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| So last night, my mom called me at 1:30AM to ask for a ride to work the next morning at 5:30 because she had messed up her car somehow. She claims a squirrel got in her car and jumped out and scared her when she was driving, but I'm pretty sure she was drunk. So I agree to pick her up the next morning (today) and arrive at her house at 5:10. She is still asleep. I get her up, and ready, she is hungover and acting like a child. She is taking 2 purses and a big black trash bag with her into my car. I ask what's in the trash bag, and she says "papers that I don't want Kevin (her husband whom she is separated from) to find" I figure whatever, and it's getting really close to 5:30 now so we need to leave. We get in the car, and she says over and over "I just don't think I can do this" then is quiet for a while and says "I'm going to get in so much trouble today" "why?" "for falling asleep at work" "OK, mom, how are we going to solve this problem?" "just keep driving............no, turn around, I'm not going to work today" I sigh heavily, she gets defensive "I HEARD THAT" we bicker about how she woke me up AT 1:30 IN THE MORNING to ask for a ride at FIVE THIRTY and I drove ALL THE WAY OUT HERE and now you're JUST BACKING OUT. She plays poor-me, "it's not MY FAULT I got into an accident yesterday and my dad died and my husband left me and I'm all alone!" we get back to her house, and she gets both purses out of my car. I say, "what about your papers?" "I need you to keep them safe for me, Kevin can't find them" I REFUSE to partake in any of this evidence- hiding she wants me to do. She employs control/ scare tactics which worked when I was a child: (low, scary voice) YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THEM. PUT THEM IN YOUR TRUNK RIGHT NOW. "NO" JUST DO IT, KIMMIE "NO! I'm not hiding your stuff!" I get out of the car and drop the bag in the driveway while she yells "YOU BRAT!" this I have to laugh at. I leave, fuming, and am not going to talk to her for a good long time. note: this is the most assertive I have EVER been, except one time that I can remember in jr. high but that was more of a hormone-induced teenage girl thing, and also that time a little while ago when she called me crying and screaming and I told her I wasn't leaving work for her and she tried to say she had overdosed, but I called her on her manipulation. anyway, my weight was really high this morning :( 109.6. I feel like I might be 108 tomorrow, especially if I work out extra today, maybe 800 or 1000. I refuse to be this fat! term papers and finals may have screwed the last few weeks, but no more. I have 5 days until the cruise and I WILL BE 105 or lower intake:
1/3 c. oatmeal w/ tbsp soymilk: 100
sm. pear (80), yogurt (80): 160
lettuce w/ 2 servings salad drsg: 100
total intake: 360
total outtake: 600 I was only going to have a pear for lunch, but my husband and I were both at home at the time, so I had to eat more. I figured I would eat my last yogurt because I don't want it to go bad while we are on vacation...so I went over by 60cals and did not burn off extra at the gym. should have done 720 in order to have double my intake. bah Plan for tomorrow
1/3 c. oatmeal w/ 1 tbsp soymilk: 100
pear: 100
lettuce: 100
total planned intake: 300
total planned outtake: 600 I am either going to have to get up early tomorrow to go to the gym because I work 9-6 or go after I get home, but hubby doesn't really like it when I do that because he likes to have some relaxation time with me after dinner. My best bet will be to get up around 5:30, hit the gym around 6 and get home around 7:30...we'll see. | | |
| today has been a success so far. I got lots of things done and stayed at my intake limit of 300 and worked off 600 at the gym. hurray. I ate the rest of the broccoli for dinner so idk what I'm going to do tomorrow. I could have a big salad, but then I require salad dressing and even though I have this fat free stuff it's still 50 cals and I would probably use 2 servings because I'm such a fatty like that. I can't eat lettuce plain. and if I did that then I would have to drop my breakfast from 150 to 100 cals and I really do enjoy having a full half a cup of oatmeal in the morning...ugh. I guess I could skip lunch, which was going to be a pear but I really need to eat them before they go bad, since we're going on vacation on Sunday. argh!!!! ok, plan for tomorrow:
1/3 c. oatmeal w. 1 tbsp soymilk: 100
pear: 100
salad w/ 2 servings fat free drsg: 100
total planned intake: 300
total planned outtake: 600 tomorrow's to-dos
work 9-12
gym
pay library fines
music final 12pm
study for computer final
go shopping
dye hair?
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| EDIT// Today has been super productive so far! worked in the morning, then went to the gym, then came home and cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed the apartment, then put together my music portfolio (due tomorrow) and I've still got FIVE HOURS until I go back to work for my night session. I can't believe I only have 2 more days of work as a group-instruction tutor this semester!!! I love this job more than any job I've ever had, and I can't wait for it to start back up again in the fall. Anyway, my diet has gone perfectly today, even though there were DONUTS in the tutorial center, AGAIN. ugh! they are trying to make us fat!!! 2:15 PM and only 250 in. I'll be having that last 50cals in about 3 hours and then nothing until tomorrow around 8am. I know I am going to want to weigh tomorrow morning, but I am going to force myself not to. No weighing until the weekend! ____________________________________________ I have no idea what I weigh, I’ve been too scared too look. But it doesn’t matter, because I am not weighing until Sunday morning. Sunday morning, 7 days away, when we leave for the CRUISE, in celebration of our graduation from a junior college with associate’s degrees and transfer units, which will happen on Friday. Until that time, I will be dropping my calories low. Yes, too low. But this is war. maximum 300 in, minimum of 600 out. On Friday, when I will probably be going out to dinner, I will most likely do more, like around 1000 out so I can eat 700 or so at dinner. But hopefully I won’t go out to dinner. I’ll try to convince my husband to have dinner at home, where I can just eat a big plate of broccoli or lettuce, with the reason that starting on Sunday we will be able to eat anything and everything we want without paying any extra. Oh, and I got 100% on that huge term paper for my history of the middle east class. Hurray for not having to take the final!!! Breakfast, 7:45AM
½ c. dry oatmeal w/ 2 packets Splenda and 2 tbsp lite vanilla soymilk: 150
Lunch, 1PM
med size Bartlett pear: 100
Dinner, 5PM
large plate of broccoli w/ 1tbsp soy sauce: 50
total intake: 300
total outtake: 600 To-Do
Work 9-10:30AM
gym
clean bathroom
study for music final
work 7:30-11PM
DO NOT EAT AT TUTORIAL CENTER. today has been vaguely productive | | |
| I know at the beginning of the week I said I was going to allow myself to eat this week.
but it's all been one big binge. I simply cannot eat normally. I HAVE to drop my cals back down, otherwise I'm going to gain so much. and all before the cruise. UGH. This morning I had a healthy breakfast, oatmeal and a banana. 250 calories. more than usual, but it's OK. THEN I went to school, and in the tutorial center where I work there were donuts and everything else....and had one. another 250. i'm sick of this. There is another potluck thing later today as well. with food. so much food. and then later tonight at the late-night tutoring thing. it's everywhere. I'm going to try not to eat for the rest of the day Intake:
oatmeal: 150
banana: 100
DONUT: 250 intake: 500 NO MORE. GAH | | |
| last night someone broke into my car. broke my window, glass shattered everywhere, radio stolen.
last night and today, mom calling me telling me to do all this shit for her that she can do herself. I can't do it, I'm working until 11PM, sorry mom. she screams and cries that nobody ever does anything for her, "i'm alone, nobody loves me, I'm alone, I want to die, I wish I was dead." I hang up on her because 1) this is not a conversation, it is her screaming, and 2) I can't deal with her. Wracked with guilt, maybe she wouldn't want to die if I wasn't such a shitty daughter, I should have gone over at midnight last night, maybe I could have done something. Husband gets mad, THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT, WHY ARE YOU WORKING YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT JUST LET IT GO YOUR MOM IS CRAZY, and I want to but it's just something I can't. It's been like this for my whole life. I want to move to Siberia. with no phones. or Internet. or connection to the outside world, specifically her. today, doctors appointment, 7:30 am. class at 9:30. work at 11. class at 2. work at 3:30. short break from 5-7. work from 7:30-11pm. tomorrow I don't have to be at school until 11 (thank God), and I'm only at work/school until 7PM.
Saturday I'm probably working another 17 hour shift at my other job. bah
SUNDAY fucking Sunday, is Mother's day, and I know I will need to deal with my mom, who (obviously) I hate dealing with, because she's crazy. 10 days. 10 days. Just get through the next 10 days. | | |
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